I decided a couple of months ago that when I ran out of this batch of herbal supplements that I wouldn't buy any more. I figured that my milk supply would go down, but she would be almost a year old and so that would be ok.
A couple of weeks ago, I hit the point where almost all the supplements ran out at once. I learned that they really had been helping my milk supply. A lot. Once I stopped them, my supply rapidly went down to almost nothing. I stopped pumping at work because it seemed like way too much effort for very little return. That caused my supply to go down even further.
As it stands now, I'm still nursing with the lact-aid at night when putting S to bed. I nurse her in the morning before I leave for work. I don't think she gets much milk (if I had to guess, I'd say an ounce a session or less), but she still seems to enjoy a brief cuddle and nurse before heading off to do baby things.
Mostly, I feel good about it. I made it to a year (tomorrow!) nursing with very low milk supply. S got exclusively breast milk for several months and has had at least some milk every day for a year. We've done the best we could. I also feel good about it simply because I think about it less. Every time I don't nurse or pump is a time when I don't have to feel like a failure because I don't produce enough milk. Every bite of solid food that she eats is a success because it's less formula she's going to drink. I think with enough time, I'll get over the heartbreak of not being able to fully breastfeed. However, I'm not there yet. When I was pregnant, I just assumed that I'd be able to breastfeed. I mean, after all, isn't that what breasts are designed to do? When I wasn't able to, it was like that dream died. And like any death, it takes a while to fully work through it and complete the mourning process. A big part of me will be glad when we're done with breast- and bottle-feeding entirely. I think in a year, when she's eating solid food full time, I'll probably have put the whole thing to rest. But I'm not there yet.
You should be do proud of yourself! Not only make it a whole year, but you persevered when so many others would have just given up. You did it!
ReplyDeleteClara's solid food eating increased exponentially after she turned 1. Now, she has fluids throughout the days (juice, water, or cow's milk in a sippy), but she eats solids like a champ. Three big meals a day plus two or three snacks. It gets so much easier!
I agree, you should be so proud! I know it might be a while before you stop grieving. Before I had Diya, the idea that breastfeeding wasn't always easy and natural was totally foreign to me, as well as the truth that some women just can't do it, no matter how hard they try. WTH! It just seems so unfair to you. But man, you tried harder than anyone else I've known. And I don't think I would have ever thought to seek out donor milk. Anyway, I just want to say that it sucks, but you're pretty awesome.
ReplyDeleteLisa, I think you're an amazing mother. Sterling is well cared for and obviously well fed. You've worked so hard at nursing - way harder than I ever would have. I'm so proud to call you my daughter-in-law and I think Sterling is a lucky lady. She's got parents who love and care for her. That's a win-win.
ReplyDelete